Happy thanksgiving

A day to give thanks. I am totally grateful to my parents. My parents sacrificed so much for me. They Raised me and taught me the gospel. They are a great example to me. I am grateful for my husband. I couldn't have found a better man. He supports me no matter how crazy I am. All he wants is my true happiness and he loves me for me. I am grateful I am married to him forever. I am grateful for my children. Each one is special and unique from how they came into this world and into my heart and unique as unique can be. They challenge me everyday. I am grateful to my Savior. For his Atonement and sacrifice.

Realization

Here I am sitting alone at home. How did this happen you ask. Well, the couple we exchange babysitting with has the kids tonight and Mike and I did go to dinner but he had to be back home for a hometeaching appointment he forgot he had set. So here I am alone in my house and I love the peacefulness. I walked into the bathroom and started to get my pajamas on and then I looked in the mirror. I look at myself in the mirror everyday but today was different, a side view that I wasn't prepared for. Not a good view for me. Made me sad. Really disgusted. I can't believe how I look. I just can't. I've been immobile for over a month and it's been hard. Okay not totally immobile but not as active as I use to. Not to say I was anything to look at before, I've always had issues with my weight. I think I always will. I try to be happy with other things about me but as of my last post I haven't been. I can't stand my hair, my weight, my body, my clothes.

Why is this so important to us as women? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

Reflection

I thought about my blog day after day, wondering what I could blog about. But the life of a mother sometimes is not that exciting. I've been struggling with being a mother and my age and everything else. I'm trying to find happiness but sometimes it's hard in the midst of laundry, dishes, and household chores. Chores that I do on a constant daily routine. Why is it when I clean it's just a mess the next day. I then ask myself why do I even try. And then I'm reminded that I need to teach my children and consistency is the key. Is it really? Will they eventually get all the things I teach day after day? When will that happen? I know...I know...when they leave home. Can't wait for that day. Just kidding.

But not kidding about it finally sinking in. I guess that's where I've been struggling. Day after day I teach my children the simplest things and the next day it's like I never said anything.
Sometimes my days have no meaning. That is hard. It's hard to step back out of all the muck and crap of motherhood and look at the bigger picture. To look at the fact that I'm doing the Lord's work. That I'm teaching the future generation. But the scary thing is ...will it work? will they be successful? Will they make good choices? Will I be proud of them?

Right now I look around my house. After last night's Family Home Evening of our house being like a temple, keeping it clean, quiet and rid of contention I look around and the clean house of last night is no longer there. Bedrooms are complete disasters after having been picked up before bed. Fighting this morning I again ask the question....WHY?

Then I look at my life, college education, love for crafts and redecorating I wonder what has become of my life. How can I make it more meaningful? How can I look beyond the household chores to a life of my own. When I try to think of what interests me...I can't. Almost 13 years of cleaning and I don't know what to do.

Now please don't get me wrong, Motherhood is important and I know .....I'll get through this tough time. I know that Satan puts obstacles in front of me to overcome and I know I will. It's just hanging on and enduring that's the hardest part.

I feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I don't know how many of you have gone through one. Here you are looking at what your life once was, what it is now and unsure of the future it's not easy.

Neckerchief slides

I'm on Roundtable staff for CubScouts in our district. I worked on these sides for examples for December's theme: Works of Art.

I think 8 year olds are worse then 3 year olds

Okay...my 8 year old is almost 9 and I have a 7 year old that is almost 8 years old and I don't know if I can put up with this age. Sometimes I feel that they are worse then when they were 3. My 8 year old can not sit still, in fact he can't walk across the room normally. He is crawling...yep crawling or doing some crab walk thing. I was at his school the other day volunteering and saw my son crawling on the classroom floor and under the table. I was mortified and on top of that he received a warning from his teacher to stop.

Then the tantrums....sometimes they are like a teenager where he stomps off and slams his bedroom door other times he throws himself down on the floor or on his bed and screams and throws his body around.

He teases others constantly but cries when he is teased. He use to care about how he looks now I constantly reminding him how to dress. I actually have to tell him every morning get dressed, make your bed, brush your teeth, socks on, shoes on etc.

Then he loves stuffed animals. Maybe too much. He's attached himself to these animals that if one is taken away or missing it's like drama and it's the end of the world with him.

I've about had it today with my eight year old.

Our Football Player

This is what Shawn was for Halloween. I asked him about his red shirt under his uniform. He told me that it's for when the Utes are playing someone other then BYU then we cheer for the Utes.

Halloween Parade

The kids had their Halloween parade today.

No more stitches

It's been two weeks since my surgery and today I had my stitches removed. Now I can soak my feet. AAHHH! Feels really good. There is still some inflamation but he wants me to walk on it more. It hurts...but I gotta get better...looks like in 4 weeks time my other foot will have surgery.

Aunt Tamma or Not????

That is the question. Did she get another job and didn't tell anyone? We couldn't believe our eyes. Tamma has a twin out there and she is working at Lagoon.

Pre-View before Halloween

I finished costume making and these two wanted to model theirs.

My BYU football player is waiting for the Big Day to model his costume.

Frightmares!

We took the kids one last time to Lagoon for Frightmares. It was a lot of fun. The Haunted Houses were pretty cool and I really liked the shows. It was real interesting seeing Lagoon from a wheelchair though. That's the only way I could get around.

My Birthday Present

I talked about finding my Gazebo and getting it for my birthday. Well, we finally got it put up...well almost....the topper is just up there, not secured. We are still working on getting that put on straight but haven't had time since my surgery. It's beautiful. In the spring I'll plant grape vines around it. Then picture seating inside it and some time down in the future we will have a fence in the back yard and we will line the fence by the gazebo with roses. OHHH I can just picture it. Beautiful

sitting....sitting...and more sitting

People say enjoy it but not me. I'm one with something to do so sitting is just killing me. It gets to you. It plays with your mind.

"I'm I ever going to walk again."
"Am I any worth to anyone."
"Will I ever have the will again to clean my house."
"What more can I do on the Internet."
"Is there really this much CRAP on TV."
"I think I'm getting more fat just sitting on this couch."
"Mike is going crazy with how many loads of dishes he has to do while I'm down."
"What's the weather like outside."

Good news...I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and the bandage will come off. At least for a look.

1 surgery down 1 to go

Tuesday I had surgery on my left foot. Went into the hospital at 6:15am and was home by 11:00am. All went well, came home on a lot of drugs and felt pretty good. Wednesday is when all the hospital drugs wore off and the pain was there in a bad way. Today is a little better but I'm going stir crazy just sitting on the couch. I know it's good for me but it's hard too. I greatly appreciate all the meals, the visits, the phone calls and concerns. I will continue to take it easy so that I heal the right way. And boy...I can't wait to have surgery on my right foot.

Surgery coming up

I only have a few more days until I have surgery on my left foot. I have been suffering for over 15 years with foot pain but it's been the past year that it's really flair up so it has come to the point of surgery. I don't think people realize the pain I'm in because I never stop. I never stop all the activities that I am a part of. But the pain is becoming unbearable. Every step I take is very painful and now when I just sit or sleep the pain continues. So, in some ways I'm looking forward to the surgery so the pain will be gone, but on the other hand not so sure of it. Last night my entire dream was surgery and I was totally scared. The pain of the surgery hurt so bad. Deep down inside I'm totally scared. I'm not sure what to expect after surgery. I'm scared that the pain will be worse then what I already feel.

I have been trying to get ready for the worse. I made tons of freezer meals so I won't have to worry so much on feeding my family and it will take some of the strain off of Mike, who is totally busy as usual. I've also been working on cleaning my house. Not an easy task. Anyway...next Tuesday I go under the knife...wish me luck.